Thursday, April 4, 2013

The Smart People...

Something you never hear from someone that went to college, or for that matter, anyone you would consider of average intelligence:

"I'm just hoping I can land a job with one of the airlines."

I'm sure it happens all the time, but I don't run in those academic circles. I mean, I assume that.....

True Love....

I really LOVE couples that say they are "Soul Mates".  I see.  I give it 6 months before one of them is filing a restraining order.  Oh that darn Cupid...who, by the way, must now remain 500 yards away ....

Best Imitation Ever....

People always say "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery".  Hmm.  Have you ever heard someone imitate you?  I have. I walked in on some dude doing an impression of me.   Everyone laughed.  I laughed. Then, after laughing, and feeling flattered(of course), I went outside and did my best impression of someone putting a brick through the guy's windshield.  But, the thing is,  I'm not good at impressions, so, well,  you can guess....I heard he wasn't flattered.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Vegas is a luxury vacation.

Things I heard in Vegas, and i'm not going to say a word........

Jeff Gordon, just ain't racing people to me and When the fuck is Junior going to get his shit together.

Shit these nickel slots used to payoff Big. Where's that bitch with my Turkey and Coke?

Holy shit, that is a nice John Deere hat.

Damn, women, hurry up! The goddamn buffet line is gonna be long.

Fuck that place! That asshole at the bar? The one that said they dont serve bud light? Yeah, that fucker, he says they aint gonna play no Skynyrd.

Well, know this, honey pie, that trailer don't pay for itself.

....i'm not saying a word.

Communication is key....

I'm a big proponent of clear, concise, "say what the fuck you mean",  language.  For example, when flying, and the flight attendant says before the flight  "In the event  of a water landing...",  she is not clearly stating her point.  To clarify, I think it would be better to say:  "Hey listen up assholes!  If this piece of flying aluminum foil crashes into the ocean, well, let's just just say you had better swim your fat, lame, asses off!!!"  See I think more succinctly states what she meant.  I like helping people get their point across.  

Monday, April 1, 2013

Stupid and proud, baby!!!!

So, for some stupid fucking reason, I actually see if people are looking at this worthless blog.  I actually have one (yes, one) "follower", but I thought about it, and I seriously think it's probably the FBI.  Anyways, I wanted to post it on one those Blog Directory sites, but was rejected  because a blog had to be "Mature" or some crap like that.  And then, I got mad, and thought, "Hey, wait one fucking minute!".... and then decided, that this is actually pretty worthless dribble, and well, I guess I do agree with them -- no need to help propagate garbage like this.   So, there.  I am growing as a person.      Why are you still here anyways?

Just one little bite....

I guess men do this too, but my experience has mostly been with women.  Okay so you are at a restaurant.   There's this lady--let us say of "certain proportions"-- at a table next to you that is down to her last small bite of whatever desert she has been inhaling, and she says, "oh I can not possibly eat one more bite!", and pushes the plate away with a tiny piece left.  I swear to god, I want to go over and say "we all know that is a bunch of bullshit!  You have been over here smacking your lips on every morsel of food that dares to land in front of you, and now, you are declaring that there is no fucking way you can choke down that little last piece?!! Really???"  I really want to do that sometime.  I really do.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Calling all Doctors...

About calling a doctors office, you always get a recording now: They always say, "listen closely as our menu options have changed."   Really? Was that a big meeting deciding that appointments should be #4 instead of #2? Fuck treating people. Lets get this phone menu right! Not to mention it's the same two fat chicks, one of who is engaged to her unemployed bum boyfriend, Donnie, for like 6 years but thinks he is "really serious this time" on the end of the extensions anyways. Oh, and the two Einsteins are dressed in hospital scrubs. I feel better.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Really fun Couple...

The worst is some idiot married couple trying to tell a "funny" story together at a party, which actually is just some boring tale that's as stale as they are:  "So, Karen tells the gal at the front desk that we don't have our room key", (Karen now takes this classic yarn, over).."but John knows that it is in his bag, and...(and now John again) but I didn't know that...." Yeah Yeah, Fuck you both.  Shut the fuck up, Karen and John. You suck.  Now, that is funny.  Why is no one else laughing?

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Bad Whale!

Further on animals, I don't like to make fun of someone getting hurt or killed by an animals(unless I have to, and then I will, of course), but a couple of years ago a trainer was killed at one of those marine animal shows.  Okay, now, I have no training in anything remotely close to marine biology, but Let's go ahead and make this a learning experience for the children.  Let's start, kids, with the clue: "She got into an enclosed area with a KILLER Whale, riding on it's back, and basically making it do shit it probably hates to do."  Were you able to spot the issue, kids? Why is the trainer Sally in 3 pieces in the pool?  Let's see, um, well, the one thing I can see is that they don't call it a "friendly" Whale or a "Neighborly" Whale.  No.  They call it a fucking KILLER whale.  Im guessing the people that came up with the name originally, didnt do so lightly. Right?  Of all the fucking stupid animal names they could use, and they call it a Killer Whale.  But Im not a marine biologist so I guess I dont understand that it's okay to get into an enclosure with that thing, ride on it's back, and make it do shit it hates.  You know, I love science.  I wish I knew more.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Chicken Gone Bad!

You know those fucking idiots that stand in front of some shit reataurant and wear like a chicken suit with the big yellow feet and have a giant arrow  to "entice" customers in?  Nothing like some fat dude in a crappy chicken to suit to make me hungry.  But that is another matter.  Actually, I always wondering at what point in the interview did they spring having to wear that suit on him. "Well, Jacob, you seem like a fine young man who can accept responsibility.  So, I want to make you part of the Chicky Fresh team and as a stepping stone on your inevitable path to senior Management, there is just one more thing we'll need you to do...." and out comes the suit.    How much would you pay to see our buddy Jacob's face then?   America: making one dream come true at a time.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Yes, attached....

I have to write this as it just happened again to me, but it has amazed me(and yes pissed me off) for a long time:    I just absolutely love how women, when they are attached, want everyone to know, and will reference their significant other by his relationship to them in the first ten seconds you talk to them. And they are going to “shoe-horn” this in regardless of how out of context it is.  "Oh that is funny!  MY HUSBAND was just telling me.....”  "Well, you know, speaking of this chalk board   MY BOY FRIEND, says the same thing, and.".   I really do hate that, and I always want to say something like "Ohhhhhhh,  I didn't know you were married.  I always heard you were a complete bitch and into chicks or something like that."  But I never do. I want to, though.

I Love Coffee!!

Here is a great money saving tip to make your own "Starbucks" tasting coffee at home.   Get a cheap coffee maker and make coffee.  Leave the burner on and the coffee on the burner for at least 12 hours.    That's it!  After sitting on the burner for the entire day, it will taste just like that "Starbucks" coffee that you  pay $5 for.  Glad I could help! 

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Bad Bear....

Here's one for you. You know those people that keep wild animals as pets? And then, for some mysterious reason, one day, the thing ends up mauling their ass? There is always some some reporter who asks the local sheriff or police, "Why do you think the bear attacked his owner?" You know the sheriff wants to say, "well we suspect that maybe, it's because.....It's a FUCKING BEAR!" I mean I think these assholes have this idea that life with these things is going to be like living with Yogi Bear and the worse that will happen will be stolen picnic baskets. To quote a redneck deputy I saw on TV who brilliantly summed it up: "Look, if you get in a fight with a bear, you are going to lose...". Thus ends the lesson.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Being Neighborly....

 I hate hate hate Cube mates, on your 1st day of work that want to be friends and chat. You need to nip that shit in the bud.  No fears.  I have this down. Example?
Him: Hooowdy pardner, Al Howard, Accounting. Guess we're gonna be neighbors. 
You: Oh hey Al, me amigos call me, Chico
(Then, Point to the "glamor shot" photo of his wife on his desk, and trust me there will be one, and say). 
You: Whooooaaaaa!  Somebody is a big "Boy George" fan......Hey AL, ole buddy, got any idea where a guy can score a drink in this shit-hole?
Job complete. Now you can work in piece.  A good first day all and all. Now, let's get that drink....

Walking the Doggies....

In dogs shows the dog expert analyst is always saying how critical the dogs handlers are.  Give me a fucking break.  They're running around in a fucking circle.  The dog is probably thinking, "I am so on tonight!  Damn! This fat chick with thick ankles and the ugly clothes is following me again, and completely stomping on my vibe with the crowd. " That's what I would think anyways.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Crazzzy Glue?

I cant believe they regulate drugs or make you get a license to drive, but any inbred on this planet can walk into a store, and buy "Super Glue" or more appropriately street named "Crazy Glue". Yeah fucking "Crazy Glue."  That could be the moniker of  a gang member, and rightfully so, in my mind.   I'm actually sort of serious on this.  That stuff needs to be regulated.  I'm gluing something, and my fingers get stuck together.  " Oh darn". And then, I use the my other hand to pry them loose, but then they get stuck, and then back and forth, and back and forth, getting my fingers stuck and then un-stuck, and add-in whatever I was gluing is now stuck to me, and the next 5 minutes of my life look like a blooper reel from a 3 stooges flick. Where is our govt when we need them??

Hot Pocketing

Have you ever had one of those microwavable hot pocket things?  So the times I have been desperate enough to have one, I was starving.  You throw this frozen fucking brick of food in the microwave for like 5 minutes and it comes out warm, golden brown, and delicious....on the outside.  It's not until you take that big 1st bite, that you realize that the center of the thing is like the internal temperature of the fucking Sun.  Wow!  It is golden and delicious. and my mouth is seared shut. I just think that is great.

The Old Dentist Routine

Okay so the dentist jokes are so old they aren't funny, but I still am amazed that, with all the advancements in science,  this profession's main implements are still a drill, a grinding tool, and a pair of fucking pliers!  I mean my high school shop teacher had those and The man barely had a high school education.   So what, to be Dentist you need 10  more years in school to operate a fucking pair of pliers properly?   Oh and get this.You lay there prostate and this dude has fingers in your mouth and is grinding away, and there is noise and blood, and in the back ground is fucking Christopher Cross on the speakers..."Sailing...Take me away...".   That is some bizarre shit.  I mean it seems to mean considering what is happening to you, Black Sabbath or AC/DC would be more appropriate.

The Journey of People Annoying Me Begins...

As the title suggests, people get on my nerves.  I guess I sort of do hate everyone, just certain people a little less. And Me?  Oh, I hate me the worst actually. That's basically it,  and yes, I know Joan Rivers has a book with a similar theme, but well, even that pisses me off, so, I win. So, you can see that this is probably going to be a lot of negative bullshit about everyday annoyances that just really piss me off.  But listen, if you are reading this, you must be a sick fuck anyways, so it's probably going to be exactly what you want, and you deserve to be out the 10 minutes it will take you to read 50 words, when you could be spending that time at the Asian Porn shop you frequent.  Anyways, hating people and just about everything else, is really what this is all about.  So there is my first post, and by the way, I hate you too, probably, or at least you annoy me.

The more you know....

I want this blog to also be a learning experience. So if someone says, "I'm just not a good test taker", just replace that with "stupid", and move on.  See?  The more you know....

Cat or Dog....

I hate when you go to a restaurant or bar and go to the bathroom, and instead of just saying "Men" and "Women" on the door, the assholes running the joint have to be "cute" and put fucking symbols on the door instead, consistent with the motif of the restaurant. Like No "Men" and "Women" signs, but instead a "Rhino" and a fucking "Duck" sign.  Okay, which one is the goddamn mens’?   I went to this Mexican restaurant and there was a fucking Porpoise on one door and Donkey on the other.  Of course, I chose incorrectly ("Donkey") and some lady yelled at me, "Didn’t you see the Porpoise?!"

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Small Talking...

Small talk at a party:   Hate it. Don't and won't do it....and thus how to nip it in the bud:

     Small Talker:  So how do you know our hosts, Tim and Alice?

      Me:   Who?   Fuck if i know. I was just cruising down for smokes at the Circle Mart(We' ain't allowed to smoke up in THE HOME), and I seen this bash and thought 'fuck it's free booze'.  Don't cost nothin' right?

End of conversation. Job well done. Time for a drink.

Watching the apes....

I just LOVE People that say they like to "people watch". It's called "staring", assholes, and you examining me from a distance like Jane Goodall watching an ape in a forest, pisses the living shit out of me.     I'm sure the apes hated that too.  "I wonder why that ugly broad keeps staring at us?".   Enough Said.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Past Great......

You ever meet one of these idiots that has "past life" reading?  Yeah, well I have.  I find it amazing that in their past life they were always a great and powerful ruler or a Brave Warrior.  Okay, I see, just in this life you're a fucking loser?  But I don't understand that stuff.    I'm sure your manager at "Burger Barn" picked up on those "leadership" qualities.

Modern Medicines....

Every prescription drug sold has the same stupid warnings about causing stomach discomfort, headache, and blurry vision, in addition to, of course, a bunch of death possibilities.   It's an antacid and it says "if your hands should fall off call a Dr immediately as this might be a sign of a serious side effect." Oh Really?  I would not have guessed that.  Look they should just be honest and say: "We actually have no fucking idea how this shit works and well, honestly, it has messed a few people up bad, we're talking real bad, during testing. But maybe it will work for you. We think you'll be fine. We really think so. We do.  Mostly"

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Dressing a Potato

 I love those instant makeover shows.  They take some fat dude or chick and add some clothes and a haircut and then present the "after" and the audience goes wild supposedly. Yeah? Well to me it looks like putting new pieces on Mr Potato Head.  I mean when you are done it has "sexy lips" and "better hair", but it's pretty easy to remember, that while you are admiring your work, that holy shit, you just dressed up a fucking potato, which is, I'm guessing, how the stylists on those shows feel. "Damn, I should have put the sombrero on him". I like that better.

Coffee Master

Oh here is a good one, getting coffee at a Starbucks and having to wait 10 minutes to add creme because the fat redneck at the station suddenly becomes master coffee Sommelier in making his coffee with 30 packs of sugar, and 12 creams, one more sugar, now stir.....  Give me a fucking break.  This dude thinks burger king is a fancy night out, and now, he gets particular about his fucking coffee? 

The Great Stampede

People say that war brings out the worst in people.  I disagree.  I would say it's the free breakfast bar at a budget hotel.  "Excuse me, Excuse me, Miss? Miss?  Could we get some more jam please?  There's no more jam. "   I like people that really know how to spice up a pop-tart.